The Woe-Down #1: “Sexy sisters”

From: Sexy sisters via “Shed Your Woe” (third tab in the horizontal row, above):

“It is weird when you flirt with a mates sister cause you are a flirt. Then you realise what seemed to be a reaction of disgust is actually a reaction of deep desire….wtf”

Well, Sexy sisters, if I may address you as such, I agree that whenever deep desire poses as disgust, or vice versa, it is definitely weird, and no wtf was ever more appropriate. From the information you have provided, I am not assuming you yourself are male or female, but either way there are 3 interpretations possible:

1) You flirt with your friend’s sister, she reacts with disgust, which you never intended because flirting is how you roll, but her disgust is later revealed as deep desire, as you say. The biggest problem when assessing another’s interest in you is your own loss of objectivity, if you yourself want them. But I can’t tell that from your query. Let’s say you’re somewhat interested, or you wouldn’t bother submitting your woe here. If so, sometimes deep desire masquerades as disgust, by way of guilt and shame and complicated feelings about one’s sexuality, or about the circumstances, which might be the case if you’re her brother’s friend, or if you’re a woman, and she is not comfortable with this side of her mojo.

Then again, sometimes disgust is actually simply disgust! This doesn’t mean she doesn’t like or admire aspects of your personality, but are you sure it really is deep desire? The test I suggest to you is not conversational–put it into words and hope itself dies. The test is physical–find socially acceptable ways to create a physical bond with her: light touches, brief leaning hugs as you pass by, accentuating conversational points and gags. If you’re a natural flirt, I’m sure you will be able to tell the difference between this inconsequential, fleeting physical connect, and creepy, inappropriately lingering heavy-handedness. Your guide: it needs to pass as nothing if needs be. Then note her reactions, because actions tell her true feelings, not her conscious determinations. This shouldn’t need to be said, but always does: if she does not react favourably, then she just isn’t into you and you should move on. Unfavourable reactions don’t just include the old cinematic slap to the chops; it could just be a kind of passive physical tension, uncomfortably waiting for the moment to pass. You owe it to her and to yourself to be switched on to reading her.

If you ARE sure she is into you, then finding ways to spend time, create moments and bang out these inconsequential touches are your best way to get beyond her spectacle of disgust, which may well be for her family’s benefit, but probably also her own. Talk to her like you know that she knows that you know that she knows what’s going on between you both, and you can deal with any objections she has to the whole thing without ever crossing into an awkward conversation. You must appear more comfortable with this very natural state of affairs than anyone. Lastly, if the tension is there, along with some ease, because she’s used to you being in her space (thus ensuring it is not actually real-life, marrow-of-her-bones disgust), just kiss her. Then again…

2) You flirt with your friend’s sister, then feel disgusted because you realise you actually dig her. Perhaps your disgust comes from your feelings of loyalty to your friend. I think this is less likely than the above scenario, but some of the lessons apply, regarding your obligations to your friend. So in this case, the dysatisfunctional question here is whether or not it is reasonable to be hands-off a friend’s sister out of loyalty to your friend. I say it is an unreasonable demand, undermining the nature of your friendship and the mutual support that should accompany it. If you can be happy with his sister, whether that is a brief fling or longer range relationship, he should be happy for you. Sibling protectiveness is understandable, and if you subsequently act like a jerk, then you deserve to cop appropriate feedback from your friend. That said, I would hope your friend would pull you up if you acted like a jerk to anyone! Sibling jealousy/rivalry, however, can only be explained if they want to be where you are, that is, with their own sibling, which I’m sure happens more than we commonly account for, but rather than judge, let us say merely that it is not cool. OR…

3) You flirt with your friend’s sister, but the reaction of disgust comes from your friend. As above: his only reasonable objection is if he also wants to get with his sister instead of you. Dirty fucker…

I hope that helps. Try to avoid over-reaching and being banned from the family home.

Sincerely,

Luke

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